By Gary Moore
We all grew up in homes that had their own definition of “family rules”. Certain actions, like in my case, going to movies and dances, drinking any alcohol, smoking, and most assuredly swearing, were all “off limits”. Those were the obvious “biggies”. There were even certain words, that even though they weren’t swearing, were definitely off limits. And certain people, especially certain political types, were not on our Christmas card list.
Without it being said, my sister and I were being taught that showing and feeling love had to do with our strict adherence to the rules – doing, not being. You earned points by how well you kept the rules. Thus, our family kept score. And love was extended on a “points basis”.
Your home environment may have been very different than mine. But even if that is so, maybe without you realizing it, you grew up with certain family rules and your own family scoring system. And these family rules created the filter through which you process life. Every family has their own unique set of rules.
And then you meet “the one”. That special someone who takes your breath away and makes you feel like you’ve never felt before. You begin to date and start to develop a relationship. During this formative time, you do everything within your power to not “upset the apple cart”. That means that when this special someone does something that doesn’t exactly fit your family rules, you ignore it rather than talk about it because it might cause that special someone to be upset. You don’t want to do anything that would turn the euphoria you are experiencing into something that has negative overtones.
As your relationship begins to grow, you still ignore or overlook those little family rule transgressions. Because you’ve chosen not to talk about them, you don’t explore what each other’s unique family rules might be – and yet, your family rules set the filter for how you process life and view each other. They also set your marriage expectations.
Then that special someone “pops the question”. You excitedly say yes. The big day comes. And in the wedding ceremony something very interesting is happening. You are exchanging vows, not sharing family rules. There is definitely a difference between vows and rules. You said vows, but from my own personal experience and coaching couples for over 16 years, my guess is that you soon forgot vows and defaulted to rules and keeping score.
Guess what? More than likely our families of origin had many rules that were unique to them. So, by definition, we start out our marriages with two different sets of expectations based on our family of origin rules. If we don’t talk about the family of origin rules we bring to the relationship, how do we find out what they are? By violating them! Then to compound the problem, men and women keep score differently – very differently. It’s like trying to play a game with two different sets of rules and you only know one set of them. And not only that, you don’t have a uniform way of keeping score.
One of the struggles of the first few years of marriage is developing your own family rules. It’s a struggle because you are so steeped in and influenced by your family of origin rules that giving any of them up is painful and means creating a new identity for yourself. That’s not only hard, but it’s downright scary.
Rules or vows? Vows speak of relationship. Vows speak of a covenant that two people enter into with each other and with God. Vows flow out of a desire to be devoted to one another. That’s very different from rules. Vows don’t keep score. Rules are for keeping score. And remember, the only reason to keep score is to determine a winner and a loser.
What are some of the vows that God wants us to keep? Love people and love God. Jesus said that He knows we won’t do it perfectly, but love ought to be the main vow that we measure ourselves by every day. Did I love God and other people, especially my spouse, with all my heart today? Loving people, especially our spouse, can be particularly hard some days. But when it’s hard, remember that you’re not much of a picnic yourself.
Relationships are only as deep and meaningful as the knowledge we have of one another. Vows build a guardrail around your relationship that allows for growth and discovery. Growth and change over the life of a marriage mean that we need to be in a constant state of discovery about our spouse. If we aren’t intentional in our pursuit of this knowledge, our relationship won’t have the depth we desire.
Trade-in your rules-based relationship filter for a vows-based one.
Psalm 61:8 (NLT): “Then I will sing praises to your name forever as I fulfill my vows each day.”
Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KSPD 94.5FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at glmoore113@gmail.com.
