By Gary Moore
Many of the thoughts in this issue’s column come from Debra Fileta. We all come to our marriages with walls – barriers we possess in need of being broken or taken down. Things we’ve used to protect ourselves, to defend ourselves, and to keep us from getting hurt. Unrecognized, these walls make a huge impact on the quality of our relationships.
Sigmund Freud identified 17 patterns of behavior people exhibit to defend themselves. He referred to them as “defense mechanisms.” Some of these are healthy and some are unhealthy. Unhealthy defense mechanisms are ways of interacting and behaving that are damaging to our relationships. In this category are isolation, denial, withdrawal, invalidation, displacement, fantasy, and passive aggression. These traits are often so ingrained in us that we have no idea we’re doing them until someone points it out (namely, and most often, our spouse). We have unknowingly built so many walls to protect ourselves, but in doing so, we end up harming our relationships and keeping our loved ones out.
Let’s look at four of these.
The Wall of Isolation. Isolation is a common wall we tend to build around ourselves. We know how we feel; we just choose not to share those feelings. This wall is found most in those moments when something seems wrong, but no one is willing to talk about it. Maybe we choose to hold back feelings, or maybe we’ve never learned how to express them. But either way, feelings are the deepest part of a person, and the less we share them with each other, the more isolated we begin to feel.
The problem is we tend to isolate ourselves from our spouse and, instead, we run to others to fill those important emotional needs. We often turn to our family, friends, or even acquaintances, and they become the people we open up to rather than the person who is most important in our lives. And, once we share our emotions with someone outside our marriage, we have less of a need to share them within the marriage. So, the more we vent to others, the less we find ourselves desiring or needing to share our hearts with our spouse. Beware of innocently building a wall of isolation between you and your spouse.
The Wall of Denial. If isolation is failing to share our emotions with our spouse, then denial is when we fail to take responsibility within the context of our conflict. Have you ever been in an argument and convinced yourself that this situation has absolutely nothing to do with you? Or that you have done nothing wrong? If you can answer yes to that problem, then you carry the wall of denial. Every single problem, conflict, or argument we face in our marriages has something to do with us. We might play a huge role in some situations, and in others we might play a smaller role, but in every conflict that involves two people, both people must ultimately take responsibility for their portion for there to be a healthy resolution. Every dance, no matter how good, bad, or ugly, always has two dancers. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by the wall of denial, because it will prevent you from moving toward healing.
The Wall of Withdrawal. The wall of withdrawal is the tendency to run away instead of deal with the issues that need to be dealt with. It’s that “fight or flee” mentality when we’re faced with a difficult situation and must make a decision on how we’ll handle it. And typically, there are two kinds of people in this world: those who fight and those who flee.
Fighting is an important part of a healthy relationship because fighting is a natural consequence of two different people becoming one. And fighting can be done well. What is more concerning in a marriage relationship is a person who is constantly fleeing uncomfortable emotions or evading difficult conversations. People who never argue or disagree are typically people who are withdrawing and avoiding conflict rather than dealing with it head-on. But you can hold back the hard conversations for only so long before the dam of bitterness breaks and the floods of contempt destroy your marriage.
Continually withdrawing from a relationship is far more dangerous than any conflict could ever be because it can signify fear, an inability to deal with difficult emotions, or even apathy. Don’t let the wall of withdrawal keep you away from the most meaningful relationships in your life.
The Wall of Fantasy. Fantasy is another subtle wall we tend to build around ourselves, quietly running to it when life gets too hectic to handle. Fantasy simply means anything we use to escape from the reality of life. It can be sexual in nature and blatantly harmful, like pornography or sleazy romance novels. But it can also be something more benign and “acceptable,” like working too much, spending too much, or eating too much. It can come in the form of something meaningful, like a hobby, ministry, or career. It can be something less meaningful, like social media, video games, or binge-watching Netflix.
But one thing is clear about the wall of fantasy: it allows for something less important to take the place of what’s most important – your marriage. It’s an outlet for escaping from reality when you should be engaging in reality. It’s found in those moments when you know you should be talking, communicating, and interacting, but instead you choose to escape. Beware of the wall of fantasy, because it often creeps in and takes over in such a subtle and unrecognizable way.
Recognize your walls so that you can deal with them and have a healthy marriage.
Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KSPD 94.5FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].
