Understanding Relationships – ‘Micro moments’ make the difference

By Gary Moore

How do I keep my marriage relationship positive and growing? It seems like we’re all looking for “the formula.” We buy books that talk about the 3 steps. Then there’s another one about the 5 steps. And then another one about the 7 steps. Which is it? And how long does it take? 3 months, 6 months, or years?

I’m convinced there’s no “ideal formula.” Since every person is different and every couple has their own unique set of circumstances. The “one size fits all” is a very illusive target. However, research shows there are some simple things you can do. The principle is that the small, daily “things” done consistently are more important than the occasional bigger moments. Psychologist and relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, calls them micro moments of connection.

We all get frustrated from time to time trying to carve out time in our busy schedules for our marriage relationships. What we fail to realize is that it’s the micro moments of connection that are the foundational difference.

Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. In the “old days” Humphrey Bogart would gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms and that made everyone’s heart pound. But real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what Dr. Gottman calls “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. Remember, there are no neutral interactions between people — especially spouses.

A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis for trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. According to Dr. Gottman, as comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all these instances, partners are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.

Dr. Gottman’s research confirms the central role that bids play in a relationship. In their six-year follow-up of newlyweds, the research found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab. And those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. He goes on to say that it’s telling that most of the arguments between couples in both groups were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for connection.

Dr. Gottman concluded there’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future: each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what he calls their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.

The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationships. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway. A romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways.

One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. “Turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback — like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.

One way to enhance your mindfulness in your relationship is to become a “collector of emotional moments.” Think of your life as a string of pearls in which each pearl was an “emotional moment” — where you and your spouse were connecting with each other on a deep and meaningful level. Such moments usually begin by noticing an emotional expression as a bid for connection. You hear something a person says, or you see a facial expression or gesture, that reveals their happiness, sadness, anger, fear, contempt, or disgust. Once you notice it, you let this person know with your words, expressions, or gestures that you understand how they’re feeling. Your demonstration of understanding provides a bridge for emotional connection and paves the way to a more meaningful relationship. It’s that simple. Perhaps at times not easy, but simple and very effective.

Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].