Understanding Relationships – Marriage Road: ‘Simple’ Route Not Best 

By Gary Moore 

Some people think I’m a relatively smart person. I do hold a graduate degree with honors. But with those degrees, I never had a course in “marriage relationships”. I was like most of us as it relates to that topic – clueless. I was never given instructions on what to do and what signposts to look for. 

In my first marriage, my intentions were good. I just didn’t know the how or what. Since that time, I’ve spent a lot of time and money studying the world of marriage relationships. And I’ve dedicated a lot of my time and effort to helping others learn what signposts to look for and what to do when they see them. 

I wouldn’t classify myself as an expert in this area, but my life experiences and training do qualify me as a guide for those who consider themselves “lost” regarding their marriage relationship. There are at least three things you should know about those of us who have experienced marriage relational lostness. First, we didn’t get lost on purpose. Not one of us stood before the pastor, our friends and our families and declared that we were about to go on a journey where we would intentionally get lost. In fact, just the opposite was true. We were sure that we would follow what we knew and understood about marriage relationships and all would be well. However, we soon found ourselves in totally unfamiliar territory without any signposts to follow. And before too long, we were lost. 

The second thing you need to know about those of us who have experienced marriage relationship lostness is that we never knew exactly when it happened. We really didn’t know when we crossed that line between, I know exactly what is going on and I have no idea what is happening. We didn’t know the precise moment when we made an incorrect turn or took a wrong route. Most of us never had that “aha moment” when a light went off in our brains and we thought, Gee, I think I’m lost. If I back up a few hundred feet, I’ll be unlost. Being lost was just something that one day dawned on us. And since we hadn’t seen the signposts, we had no idea how long we’d been lost before we realized it. We really had no clue as to the actual state of our marriage relationship or what to do about it. 

The third thing about getting lost is that the road you’re on always determines where you end up. It doesn’t really take a graduate degree to figure that out, does it? You see, it didn’t really matter where we intended to be; the road we had taken determined our ultimate destination. Plans, intentions, spousal expectations…none of that counted. We ended up where the road we chose took us. 

It breaks my heart how many couples I speak with who don’t connect the dots between the relationship choices they make and the outcomes they experience. It seems they’ve come to believe the popular notion that as long as their intentions are good, as long as their hearts are in the right place (whatever that means), as long as they do their best and try their hardest, it doesn’t really matter which road they take. They believe somehow their relationship will survive. 

But life and marriage don’t work that way. 

We’ve all heard that experience is the best teacher. But the truth is, about the only thing most of us learn from experience is what to expect when we repeat the same bad decisions. We’ve all said, “I’ll never do that again” about something. We knew what the outcome would be, but we kept going anyway. 

Proverbs 27:12 talks about the prudent (wise) and the simple people. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”  The primary difference between the prudent and the simple is not what they see but how they respond to what they see. The prudent see danger and take refuge. The simple see danger and keep going. The prudent see danger and change their course. They act on what they see. The simple do not. The prudent act as if then is now; as if the future is the present. The simple respond as though tomorrow will always be tomorrow. The prudent respond now. 

When the prudent identify behaviors turning into habits, they do something while they can. The simple keep going. When the prudent see a relationship moving in an unhealthy direction, they do something. The simple keep going. 

Don’t ignore the red flags. Don’t be among those who say, “It will all work out, somehow”. And that is true. Everything somehow works out. Every decision has an outcome, and every road has a destination. And so, there you are. Exactly where you didn’t want to be – but exactly where your road led you. And now married life is complicated. Unnecessarily complicated. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Learn the warning signs and change your “marriage road” if you need to. 

Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].