Understanding Relationships – Marriage: It’s About Reading the Whole Book 

By Gary Moore 

I don’t know what you were doing to earn a living when you and your spouse were dating. But I can tell you what business you were in. You were in sales and marketing. You were “selling” an image you hoped your boyfriend or girlfriend would “buy,” and they in turn were doing the same. Thus, depending on how long you dated, and the depth of your discussions, you really didn’t know much about them when you got married. Oh, you probably thought you did, but you really didn’t. You actually married an image of a person. You took what you knew and what you hoped for, and then built an image of who you expected that person to be – how they would think and act, how they would interact with you and treat you. 

When you said, “I do”, you began a lifelong journey of discovery. You may not have planned on it, but that is what happened. This journey of discovery started off very innocuously. Since you knew you had been in the sales and marketing business, you tried to maintain the façade that you had been selling. What you didn’t realize was that when you were dating, it was a very controlled environment. You knew what time you were going to pick up your date, where you were going to go, what you were going to do – and for how long, and when you would return her to her place of residence. In that kind of situation, it’s relatively easy to keep up the façade. 

But when you got married, you were now in close proximity for extended periods of time in an uncontrolled environment. Thus, it was hard to keep up the façade. And with neither of you wanting to do anything to dampen the euphoria you were feeling, when little “irritating discoveries” came up – since no one had taught you how to address them – you ignored or repressed them. 

As you did this, you were unknowingly setting up a way that the two of you would interact and “handle” the little irritating discoveries of each other. This avoidance pattern continued in your relationship. In fact, you developed a method of interaction that was unhealthy and would have a long-term negative affect on your relationship. 

As the little irritating discoveries began to build up and create distance between you, you began to entertain some crazy thoughts. What happened to the person I married? I don’t really know this person. I don’t know if I like that about them. Did I marry the right person? 

As most couples do, you entered the marriage relationship with an idealized set of hopes, dreams, and desires. No one had really taught you what to expect after the “hormone happiness” wore off. What was marriage really going to look like over the long haul? 

As you reflect on your spouse, and especially the beginning years of your marriage, I would like you to think of your spouse as a book. When you were dating and going through your “sales and marketing” phase, you read the cover. You even turned the book over and read on the back the comments that other people said about the book – and all of them were positive. No red flags here. Then as your dating relationship continued, you scanned the table of contents. You knew there was more to learn about the person, but you told yourself, I don’t need to worry about that now. That will come and it will be fine. 

You then “read” the preface. This reading was an accumulation of conversations over time. This preface reading gave you some context and more information about your future spouse. You learned about their family – their mother and father and siblings. You also learned about where they grew up and where they went to school. And as you “read” these things, they were all presented in the most positive light possible. 

As you continued to date, you moved to the introduction of the book. Like the introduction of actual books, the introduction conversations you were experiencing gave you a broader understanding of context and tone for the discoveries you were making about this person. 

What you didn’t realize was that when you said, “I do”, it was just the beginning of the book. You had read the cover, the back cover reviews, scanned the table of contents, read the preface, and perhaps, even the introduction. But you hadn’t yet read the book. As with all novels, you didn’t fully know the main character, the supporting cast, or how the plot would develop. 

Like many novels, there would be plot twists that you didn’t understand or chapters that you didn’t particularly like. Yet you kept reading the novel. And why? Because even though there were parts of the characters you didn’t appreciate and parts of the plot that you did’t like, overall, it was a good book. 

And so it is in marriage. As you continually discover who your spouse is, there may be parts that are irritating and that you don’t like, but the overall “book” is good – and good for you. Enjoy your lifelong reading plan. 

Don’t judge a book by its cover. 

Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].