Understanding Relationships – Empathy: Loving With Both Heart and Head 

By Gary Moore 

 “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own” (Henry Ford). “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection” (Brene Brown). “Connect first, communicate later” (Bruce Muzik). 

Back in 1990, Elizabeth Newton published the results of the doctoral research she did at Stanford University. In her study she assigned people to one of two roles: “tappers” or “listeners.” Tappers received a list of a couple dozen well-known songs. Then, after selecting one of the songs, their task was to tap out the rhythm to a listener by knocking on a table. The listener’s job was to decipher the rhythm being tapped and guess the song. 

Over the course of Newton’s experiment, 120 songs were tapped out. Listeners guessed only 2.5 percent of the songs. That’s just 3 correct guesses out of 120! 

However, the tappers predicted that their listeners would be right 50 percent of the time. In other words, tappers thought they were getting their message across one time in two. But, in fact, their message was getting across only 1 time in 40. 

Why? Because when a tapper taps, she is hearing the song in her head. The tapping seems obvious to her. She can’t help but hear it as she taps, and she therefore believes the listener has a very good chance of deciphering her tune. 

The listener, not knowing what the tune is, only hears a bunch of disconnected taps that resemble chicken pecks more than a musical number. But to the informed tapper, he comes off as dim-witted. 

The same thing happens in relationships. When we “tap out” our message – whether it’s with our words, our inflection, or our body language – we believe it should be relatively obvious to the listener. But it’s not. Sometimes a seemingly evident message isn’t evident at all. It’s far from obvious if you’re not in the know. 

That’s where understanding perspective, or empathy if you will, comes in. Understanding each other’s unique perspectives is not easy. But once you understand their perspective and hone your empathic skills, you will “tap” differently. What’s more, you’ll “listen” differently. In fact, when you harness the power of perspective and empathy in your relationships, you’ll enjoy connections that are deeper and better than ever. 

Empathy means imagining what life is like at a moment in time for another person. It means putting yourself in their skin, looking at life through their eyes. It means walking in their shoes. And it’s a rarity. Psychologists Les and Leslie Parrott say that it is the single most important skill set for your relationships. 

What most of us don’t understand is that there’s a secret to empathy: empathy calls for loving other people with both your head and heart, concurrently. Most of us do one or the other well; we either feel someone’s pain with our hearts or we try to solve their problem with our heads. To do both can be tricky, but that’s the request of empathy. 

When you truly empathize with another person you are using both your analytical skills and your sympathetic skills – both your head and your heart. When we attempt to “love” others primarily with our heads, we are merely analyzing. And when we “love” with our hearts, we are merely sympathizing. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either. But don’t mistake them for empathy. 

Empathy requires a deep emotional connection (psychologists call it attunement) tempered by an objective cognitive capacity. That’s the key. It’s a tall order, no doubt. That’s why it’s built on the foundation of profound significance, unswerving authenticity, and deep connection. 

Here are some of the things that empathy will do for your relationship: Empathy Curbs Criticism; Empathy Shortens Your Conflicts; Empathy Infuses Your Relationship with Grace. 

Empathy is also fast-acting. Think about it. When you accurately see any situation from another’s point of view, when you can experience it like they do, you instantly take a different approach to it. You change – that very instant. 

If you want to put empathy into practice, you’ve got to become a master at setting aside your personal agenda, if only momentarily. What’s your agenda? Well, it’s nothing more than your set of immediate goals – including what you want to do, what you want to feel, and what you want to talk about. The other person must become the only focus of your attention. 

Let me close with a couple more quotations. First from S.I. Hayakawa, “It is only as we fully understand opinions and attitudes different from our own and reasons for them that we better understand our own place in the scheme of things.” And from that prolific writer Anonymous, “When empathy speaks up, it takes away stupidity’s microphone.” 

Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].