By Gary Moore
I recently read a blog from the Smalley Institute that I really liked. It was titled, “How to Let Go of Your Marriage Without Giving Up on Your Marriage.” I want to share some of that blog with you.
Every marriage goes through “rough times”. It’s interesting that many of these times begin not long after the honeymoon. It’s during that time that we are beginning to discover who the person really is that we married – after the “sales and marketing season”. And not everything we discover excites us. The “I didn’t know that” things begin to show themselves. And if we haven’t been taught what to do with these discoveries, they will begin to pile up and move from just being irritants, to becoming deal breakers. We may even consider just giving up on our marriage.
Maybe that’s you. Maybe you find yourself tired and exhausted from trying to save your marriage. You’re worn out from pursuing, explaining, defending, managing. You know something has got to change. But you’re terrified that “letting go” means quitting. So, you keep holding on. Keep controlling. Keep exhausting yourself.
Let me use the blog to challenge your thinking. Letting go of your marriage is not the same as giving up on your marriage. Most people confuse letting go with giving up because they sound similar. Giving up says: “I quit. I don’t care anymore. This is hopeless. I’m done.” Letting go says: “I can’t control this. I’m going to trust God with the outcome and focus on what I can control – my own transformation.”
Giving up is about bitterness and resignation. Letting go is about love and trust. Giving up abandons the relationship. Letting go releases your death grip on outcomes you can’t control while you do the work you can control.
Here’s the key difference. When you give up, you stop caring. You check out emotionally. You abandon your spouse to their struggles. When you let go, you care so much that you’re willing to release them to God’s care instead of keeping them trapped in your control.
Letting go isn’t stopping loving them. It’s starting to love them the way Jesus loves us – without demanding they earn it, without controlling their choices, without making your love conditional on their performance.
Here’s a story from the blog. Meet Rachel and Tom. Their marriage had been in crisis for two years. Both had hurt each other deeply. Both felt justified in their anger. Both were waiting for the other to change first.
They were stuck in a stalemate, each holding the marriage hostage until the other capitulated. And the marriage was dying. Finally, they made a decision together. They would let go. Not give up. Let go.
They both stopped waiting for the other to change first. Stopped keeping score. Stopped using past hurts as weapons. But they didn’t stop working on the marriage. Instead, they each focused on their own transformation. Rachel worked on her criticism and contempt. Tom worked on his defensiveness and withdrawal. They let go of timelines. Let go of demands. Let go of expectations that the other would be perfect.
But they showed up with love anyway. Rachel loved Tom even when he didn’t deserve it. Tom honored Rachel even when she didn’t earn it. They gave each other to God’s care. But they didn’t abandon each other.
Eighteen months later, they renewed their vows. Not because the old marriage was fixed. But because they’d built an entirely new one. A marriage based on letting go instead of controlling. On loving when it’s undeserved. On trusting God instead of demanding change.
The transformation happened because they let go. Not because they gave up.
Here’s the paradox you must hold: Trust God with your marriage. AND work on yourself in your marriage. Let go of controlling the outcome. AND do your part in the process. Surrender your spouse to God’s care. AND love them well anyway. This isn’t contradictory. It’s both/and.
You can’t control whether your spouse changes. But you can control whether you do. You can’t control the outcome of your marriage. But you can control whether you become someone worth being married to. You can’t make your spouse love you. But you can become someone who loves well regardless of whether they reciprocate.
That’s the paradox of letting go without giving up: You release what you can’t control (them) while you double down on what you can control (you). You trust God with the marriage (outcome) while you work on yourself in the marriage (process).
And miracles happen. Not always the miracles you expect. Not always the timeline you want. But somehow, when you finally stop trying to control everything, things start to shift.
It’s weird how often marriages improve when one person stops trying to change the other and starts working on themselves. It’s strange how frequently spouses become curious about their partner when that partner stops pursuing and starts transforming.
God has you. God has your marriage. Even if it doesn’t work out the way you want, God is still in control. And your transformation in the process? That’s never wasted.
Note: The Smalley Institute has as a part of this blog A Step-by-Step Guide to Giving Up. If you’d like a copy, send me an email request (glmoore113@gmail.com) and I’ll email you one.
