Understanding Relationships – Busyness Can Deplete Your Relationship 

By Gary Moore 

“How are you doing?” If you’re like me, you probably get asked that question several times a week. “Busy” has become the predictable answer we give. After all, we’d be embarrassed to say, “Just coasting and taking it easy.” It’s as if “busy” has become a badge of honor. But maybe it’s a cry for help? The irony is that our schedules are the result of our own doing. We have built this life and have made the choices. 

It’s not that we’re complaining when we say “busy”. We’re just being honest about our schedules that feel overwhelming, and to-do lists that never seem to end. 

But not all couples choose their situation. For some, busyness is thrust upon them. There are special circumstances and unique seasons of life that require greater amounts of our time and attention beyond our control. But the net effect is the same whether busyness comes by our own choosing or through circumstances we can’t control. Busyness makes it extremely challenging to find time, energy, and attention for our spouse. 

It takes a lot to manage our lives together. Busy couples usually aren’t intentionally rejecting their spouses or devaluing their relationships. They love their spouses and marriages. But over time they’ve created overflowing plates and can’t figure out how to make room for each other. 

What about you? Do you feel like two ships passing in the night? Does it seem like your schedules are totally out-of-sync? Has spending quality time together fallen to the bottom of your to-do list? 

According to Dr. Greg Smalley, author and vice president of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family, the problem with busyness is twofold. First, busy people are spread thin and feel physically worn out and emotionally depleted. Second, busy couples are disconnected. 

The real threat is letting your connection slip away. The lifeblood of marriage, the indispensable factor that gives something its strength and vitality, is connection and deep intimacy – knowing and being known at the deepest levels. Busyness hijacks connection and ushers in disengagement. This emotional and physical distance leads spouses to feel anxious and unsafe, and they slowly start to isolate from each other and withdraw from the relationship. It’s what marriage expert Dr. John Gottman calls “the distance and isolation cascade.” 

Love requires connection and time together. Many couples believe that their love will carry them through the busyness – that they’ll reconnect when the kids are older or when things slow down. The problem is that you both are constantly changing; and many couples discover that after the kids are gone, they are now living with a stranger. We can’t put our relationship on hold during a busy season or when our plates are overflowing. 

Marriage doesn’t come with an autopilot or cruise control setting that allows us to simply push a button and attend to other obligations while our car drives down the road unattended – and still experience a thriving relationship. A marriage can’t function like that. We must regularly invest in our marriage if we want to grow closer to each other. 

Certainly, you didn’t stand before God and your friends on your wedding day and look deeply into your fiancé’s eyes and imagine that words like settling, maintaining, adequate, and good enough would describe your marriage one day. 

When couples realize that busyness is killing their connection, they often cope with the inattention by focusing on the next “big thing.” They believe that their relationship can exist from one big thing to the next – from date night to date night, from holiday to holiday, or from vacation to vacation. They want these encounters to be “perfect” and want their hopes of connection, intimacy, fun, and enjoyment to come true. However, they end up putting too much pressure on these experiences to compensate for months or years of neglect. Our expectations for these events often set us up for failure. A few hours or days of being together cannot erase a year’s (or decade’s) worth of disconnection, neglect, conflict, and hurt. It just doesn’t work. 

Couples are often given solutions like the following to manage busyness and disconnection: Slow down. Do less. Create margin. Simplify your life. Re-evaluate what’s on your plate. Set better boundaries. Give yourself permission to say no. Delegate and be willing to let go. Plan your week. Schedule your calendars together. And many others. 

It’s not that these ideas and others are wrong or ineffective. Instead, these solutions often create what Dr. Smalley calls a yo-yo effect for couples. They can provide an initial connection but are unsuccessful in maintaining a long-term bond. Disconnection slowly creeps back in, and the guilt returns in full force. People end up feeling failed and discouraged. 

The key lays in what Dr. Gottman simply calls ‘bids for connection’ – micro moments of connection. It’s the daily, little things that count the most. I’ll talk more about what these are and how they work in our next column. 

Until then, connect first. Communicate later. 

Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KBXL 94.1FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].