By Mark Naito
In a world where most things are connected through technology at some level, how can this possibly affect my marriage? Shouldn’t this help? With all the free tools, resources, and even biblical resources, my marriage should be stronger, right?
On the surface it seems like the obvious answer is, “Technology is helping my marriage.” I often hear people say, “Tech only affects kids” or “I have a good balance with technology” or “I rarely use it anyway.” But often, statistics show otherwise.
It is not always the content being consuming that is bad but that we get way too much of it that really is not necessary. We were not created by God to consume so much information. Scripture tells us to “be still and know that I am God.” But how can we do this in our marriage when we are going to technology first? Examples: Watching TV together or separate, checking smartphone periodically for email/weather/kids’ communication, tablet to catch up on a podcast/series/messages, etc.
And keep in mind that from the very beginning, a huge target has been placed on our marriages, starting with Adam and Eve. In Genesis 1:27-31 in The Message Bible, it reads: “God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: ‘Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.’ Then God said, ‘I’ve given you every sort of seed-bearing plant on Earth and every kind of fruit-bearing tree, given them to you for food. To all animals and all birds, everything that moves and breathes, I give whatever grows out of the ground for food.’ And there it was. God looked over everything he had made; it was so good, so very good! It was evening, it was morning — Day Six.”
In the beginning, things were good, but then sin entered. In Genesis 3, from The Message: “The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. God told the serpent: ‘Because you’ve done this [convinced Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil], you’re cursed, cursed beyond all cattle and wild animals, cursed to slink on your belly and eat dirt all your life. I’m declaring war between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers. He’ll wound your head, you’ll wound his heel.’ He told the woman: ‘I’ll multiply your pains in childbirth; you’ll give birth to your babies in pain. You’ll want to please your husband, but he’ll lord it over you’.”
After what Satan did, he was cursed in a very harsh way. You know this made him really angry beyond any reasoning. So since then, our marriages have been under severe attack. And then you have God saying He has declared war between the woman and man. Also, between the offspring/kids.
How does this relate to technology?
Technology is the new Tree of Knowledge that offers the lures of freedom, love, and other things we long for but can only find in God. I’m not saying literally it is this, but it has similar traits, and Satan is using it to get back at us for his curse. “God told the serpent: ‘Because you’ve done this, you’re cursed, cursed beyond all cattle and wild animals, cursed to slink on your belly and eat dirt all your life’.” Do not think for one moment that Satan has forgotten.
Even though our Tree of Knowledge and Tree of Life are not as obvious, they can be more subtle and culturally accepted, making the choice of choosing “life” or “death” in our marriages harder.
Someone from a camp designed to help keep kids safe online said to me, “With technology for my husband and I, we are fine. In fact, my husband only has a few social media accounts and I do not think he even checks it all that much. I think.” But this conversation was a great starter for her to realize that the concern with tech not only lies with kids but also with adults.
During my recent business/family trip to the Ark Encounter in Kentucky, one takeaway was that prior to sin, everything was perfect and without sin or destruction. But after Satan came in and tempted the first married couple to sin, everything is now cursed and will be until Jesus comes back to restore the Earth to the way God intended. And with technology, messages more often are “rumors” which spread six times faster than real news, according to the documentary The Social Dilemma.
How does this apply to my marriage? Below are excerpts from an article at https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/reasons-technology-is-affecting-divorce-rates/. Some key things that the article says can cause divorce or lead to dissatisfaction in a marriage include, by topic:
Social media
I think it is safe to say we all understand that social media has become a part of our everyday life at some level. According to this article, “A study posted in the journal Computers in Human Behavior (http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563214001563) done by researchers at the University of Boston and Pontificia Universidad Católica de Chile studied state-by-state divorce rates to per-capita Facebook accounts and found a direct correlation between social media use and decreased marital quality. It’s only time [until] social media and divorce statistics start to show some correlation too. The amount of social media use in a marriage can lead to jealousy and often cause major communication issues. Social media causes divorce if the time spent on it is not monitored. It’s surprising that it is one of the top reasons for divorce in America.”
Time
We work on technology — anything with a screen — throughout the day in most of our jobs and even in ministry. Then we come home to do more of this and neglect one of the most important things in our lives: our spouse. The article stated, “A Nielsen Co. audience report indicates that adults spend an average of 10 hours and 39 minutes a day on the computer. This leaves just about enough time to drive home and take a shower. As a result, couples are losing valuable communication time that has several long-term consequences.”
Social life
Our everyday life has gone from talking to people about things to communicating it through some technology medium. According to the article, “Today, many people go out not to socialize, but to share their ‘social experience’. Today, consumers want experiences that they can share with their friends on social media and sometimes they forget to share these moments with their spouses.” Instead of sharing details of each other’s day, there is a tendency to share it with others first or with a text message. We have lost the simplicity of picking up the phone and calling or making time to talk in person.
Distorted connection
More information from the article includes: “According to USA Today and Business Insider, adults spend an average of 23 hours a week texting. A survey led by qualitative social researcher Ruth Rettie concluded that texting is a complementary medium for many couples and has become a primary way of communicating with your spouse. However, research indicates that texting gives us a ‘remote social connection’ that differs from the intimacy present in phone calls. The study found that ‘texters’ were more likely to feel lonely than ‘talkers’. As a result, this can cause a distorted connection between couples. One important form of this ‘intimacy’ has a lot to do with the tone of voice and the duration of the conversation.
“Maslow believed that it is important that our lives be filled with happiness and contentment. If we strive for growth and strength, happiness and satisfaction should come naturally. If you focus on freeing yourself (even a little) from the chains of technology, you might see stronger growth in the communication between you and your spouse.”
The excerpts from the article all go back to what we know in the “intentional tech space” of people having a distorted understanding of connection. In the end, it is always a best practice to try to do in-
person interactions.
As a local expert in this space, I do local research at places like Panera, McDonald’s or other sites. What I see with couples, ranging from young to old, is that the older couples tend to be more on their screens/devices. Interesting, right? But in all cases, couples are not communicating directly without having some time on their screens at some point.
So how can we be more intentional in our marriages?
As my Christian counselor encouraged me from the very beginning of our sessions, read and pray together every day. What my wife and I do personally is have individual time with the Lord in the morning and then come together to do a Christian topic study. Then we eat breakfast and share what we have going for the day to sync and end with prayer. Later in the evening we do a Bible study together, going through different books of the Bible. Keeping in mind that the key is not getting through the study or passage of Scripture but allowing the Holy Spirit to work within the time frame we have. Sometimes we do not even get past a couple of sentences and that is okay.
Did this happen overnight for us? No. It did take time; but by being intentional with our technology, it helped us to really lean into the Holy Spirit’s leading and work through things together.
The other thing that has been helpful from our biblical counseling and time together is to stay away from any resource except the physical Bible(s) — specifically when we are spending time with the Lord alone and not a topic study. Then the Holy Spirit can work. Other Christian influences are okay and good at times, but what we have found is that there is nothing like a good physical Bible and paper journal to invest in our relationship with Abba Father and each other. And writing dates and notes of what we discussed is a legacy we leave behind for our kids that no database can ever take away. You truly are building a bond together in unity without outside influences.
A tech tip is if it is “free,” there is always a cost. And even though the content is good, it will often consume you more than spending quality time with a family member, friend or, in this case, your spouse. My wife and I have been pleasantly surprised by how we are more intentional with those around us simply because we have no other option.
Also, when you are out with your spouse, try to leave your screens or smartphones in the car if you go into a restaurant or shopping. If for some reason you need your device for medical or other reasons, check with your healthcare provider and ask for alternative ways you can go without your device for a period. This would be a good practice anyway if the power or internet goes out. There is always an alternative — not always convenient but possible.
As my previous article stated, give this a try for a month and see how your relationship with your spouse goes. Again, it will not always make things “rosy,” but you will find yourselves connecting more and really working through things in a real way — ultimately enhancing your relationship with God. If you find there is a lot more than what you can handle, I would encourage you to reach out to a good Christian counselor who leads with faith first and then traditional counseling methods second. One great resource is Grace Center.
The best part of all of this? God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He never changes and is always relevant in any period. Think of the Noah’s Ark Encounter in Kentucky, a real-life replica and one of the largest wood structures in the world. You will see first-hand how God’s ways are not ours and we do not need society’s ways to enhance or keep our marriages sacred and fulfilling. God even thought of ways to get fresh air and water for the entire boat. And the boat is nearly two football fields in length and almost seven stories high! There is much more that would really help you understand that His ways go beyond even the most technologically advanced thing we know today. His technology is truly the most innovative — and this is coming from a business marketing professional who has seen a lot of great technological advances, but Noah’s Ark trumps them all.
I encourage you to take up this challenge with your spouse: commitment to God and each other. Take
a break from technology for one month. What does this look like? At a minimum, put your smartphones in a visible area but away from where you spend most of your time when you get home from work or are done for the day. And avoid any screens throughout the evening or through the morning until you leave or start work. This gives your spouse and you an opportunity to get creative with your time together. Like our Reset Tech Kits for the family, you will find yourself bored and seeking alternative things to do. Things like going for a walk together, picking up an activity together, joining a life or Bible study group, doing family activities together, etc. I encourage you to give yourselves the liberty to get creative. Make it fun! And if you have trouble with implementing this, please feel free to reach out for more ideas.
Also, invest in other things like the Weekend to Remember by Family Life.
Please reach out to us and share your story. We love hearing how God is moving in your lives. And always know you are not alone in fighting the good fight. My wife and I are living testimony that the battle is real but God is able if you get rid of what easily ensnares your marriage. We pray blessings upon your relationship.
Mark Naito is passionate about helping people by seeking ‘root cause’, providing result-oriented solutions and good outcomes. His passion has always been to empower others to be educated to make their own informed decisions on what makes sense for themselves or their families. He started Navigating Tech Family toward that goal. He is a family man with a beautiful wife and kids and loves doing life with his family in the outdoors. He may be reached at mark@navtechfam.com.
