One answer to…  ‘Why was I left behind?’ 

By Vincent Kituku 

There are times when living is not easy, especially after the unexpected death of a loved one. I found myself thinking about the meaningless of life without the spouse you have loved and lived with after talking with a lady whose husband had died in motorcycle accident. I had known about her from her son who told me how much she was suffering. Since she didn’t know me, I introduced myself as her son’s friend and informed her I had been praying for her. Happy that a stranger was thinking of her, she shared about her good and bad days, then she asked, “Why was I left behind?” 

I acknowledged that I could not even understand how she was surviving her loss. I refrained from saying that her husband was in a better place. A common statement meant to comfort the grieving person, however, “a better place,” at our moment of grief, would be with our loved one, even for those who believe in life after death. We all want to be with our loved ones forever without the inconvenience of death. 

While there is no reasonable explanation of why we are left behind, there is always a reason God does things in His own way. Sometimes we may understand the reason, but other times we have to wait until we cross to life’s other side. 

I can’t say all losses are the same. I can only use my grieving experiences after the deaths of sisters and brothers and several other relatives and close friends. 

As hard as it may sound, God will help you with your grief. He will comfort you, send loved ones, friends and sometimes strangers to help you bear your loss. Here are some approaches that I have found helpful in many grief-related situations. 

1. Accept your loss, your vulnerability, admit any fear or anxiety. Be willing to endure and fully experience your pain and suffering.
2. Think of the highlights of life you shared with your loved one.
3. Find the parts of your situation you can manage easily.
4. Share your loss and its implication in your life.
5. Learn to take less responsibility so you can have time to yourself and avoid being burdened.
6. Turn resentment to forgiveness. Forgive yourself and those you might blame for your loss.
7. Don’t give loneliness a chance. Fellowship with others and attend social events.
8. Seek the meaning of your crisis in terms of your spiritual, social and professional aspects.
9. Solitude, not loneliness, all alone with God does heal the grieving. Tell Him your feelings and accept that He will answer. Give Him time.
10. Figure out, from here, now where? What can you do to better your life and the lives of those who have suffered the same loss?

I would like to expound on this point a little bit. Service to others, especially when not expected, will help you heal faster than hundreds of visits to counseling centers – and you don’t have to pay for it. My philosophy is, “What we do for ourselves can get us by. What we do for others is what gets us ahead, whether in our profession, spiritual pursuits or relationships.” Serve other people who haven’t asked or can’t pay back and you will not only heal, but also prosper in both intangible and tangible aspects of life. 

This reminds me of a story I heard of a wealthy woman who lived alone. She had medical problems, had stopped attending social activities, was in a wheelchair and had lost most relatives when she was in her sixties. She contemplated taking her own life. Her unattended material possessions only portrayed the ruins of past glories. But she had a small greenhouse with African violets. In her wheelchair, she had taken care of the plants. She had cuttings of the African violets from which she started new plants. 

A stranger who visited her and saw her pain of loneliness, depression and will to die was impressed with her starting the African violets project. He shared that her situation was made worse by her not living as a good Christian. She had money and African violet plants and he suggested she could make a number of cuttings, have them well-established and re-planted in gift pots. After that, someone could drive her to the homes of the grieving (from illness, death of loved ones, or lost jobs) or rejoicing (births, graduations, weddings, engagements) people that had been announced in the church bulletin and give them the plants. 

She liked the idea and made it happen. After a decade, there was an headline: “African Violet Queen of Milwaukee Dies, Mourned by Thousands.” This headline was followed by a detailed account of how she had touched people’s lives with trademark African violets in her community. 

We are left behind to uplift others and manifest the glory of God. 

Dr. Vincent Muli Wa Kituku, motivational speaker and author of “Overcoming Buffaloes at Work & in Life,” is the founder and executive director of Caring Hearts and Hands of Hope, a non-profit organization that raises tuition and fees for poor orphans and other children from poverty-stricken families in Kenya. Contact him at [email protected] or (208) 376-8724.