By Gary Moore
We all enter marriage with preconceived ideas of what a good marriage looks like. And many times, how we define that doesn’t match the way that our spouse defines it. We start out “pledging our troth” without even knowing what that means. Google says troth is an archaic word for faith, loyalty, or truth. Most of us know what to pledge means — to formally promise or bind oneself. Thus, when you put them together, you were saying, “I give you my absolute word and bind my life and faithfulness to yours.”
On that memorable day, we all meant forever. However, experience shows that if we don’t take the long look at marriage, “forever” can be a very short time. It’s only when one takes a long view of marriage that one is truly free to risk the exploration of both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys of a growing relationship. When marriage is seen as a joint journey of mutual growth, a developmental process over a long period of time, then difficult periods can be put into perspective. This long look at marriage sets the framework for looking at the many realities of marriage we must face if we are going to experience a good marriage.
In 1988 Dr. David Augsburger published a book titled, Sustaining Love – Healing & Growth in the Passages of Marriage. His thesis is that there are at least four marriages within a marriage. And as we go through these marriages, we change, and our partner also changes. Some of these changes are so dramatic that it may appear as though our spouse is not the same person we married. And if we are not prepared for and aware of these changes, our marriage will likely be in trouble. The interesting thing is that you, your spouse, and your marriage will go through these changes whether you recognize them or not. And they affect you whether you agree with them or not. Dr. Augsburger says that there are eight relational areas that are the most highly affected: Goals, Communication, Feelings, Differences, Conflict, Intimacy, Roles, and Meaning.
According to Augsburger, it’s in the times of transition from one marriage to the next that most of the difficulties come to a head and it’s the time when most divorces happen.
Let’s look at one of the eight relational areas — Differences — and see what kind of change and growth challenges we are likely to experience in the four marriages within a marriage.
I call marriage one “hormone happiness”. There’s a certain euphoria we all experience in this marriage. And the last thing we want to do is to do something that will “upset the apple cart” and challenge the euphoria we are experiencing. But something unique is happening that we need to be aware of. When we were dating, we were in the sales and marketing business. We were selling an image we wanted the other “to buy” and they, in turn, were doing the same thing. After marriage, if something came up that we hadn’t recognized while we were dating and this thing irritated us, we had a decision to make. Were we going to say something about it and risk losing the euphoria or were we just going to accommodate the difference — just let it go?
We handle differences in marriage one by accommodating them. We tolerate, accommodate, overlook, and deny differences to avoid conflict and obey the marriage dream. We avoid conflict and deny that it is disruptive and destructive. Unfortunately, many couples establish an accommodating communication pattern during this time that is unhealthy.
In marriage number two we handle differences by trying to eliminate them. It’s during this time that many couples experience themselves or their spouse becoming demanding, pressuring, and manipulative in an effort to affect change. Instead of avoiding conflict as they did in marriage one, they attack in conflict by accusing, excusing, and defending their position.
In marriage number three we grow and mature enough to appreciate our differences. We discover and admit that differences are necessary, indispensable, and essential to personhood and to the marriage. It’s during this marriage that we adjust to conflict. We adapt old dreams and adopt new behavior.
In marriage number four we move to an area where I don’t think most couples ever get to — they celebrate their differences. We delight in our differences. We welcome and develop them in each other and ourselves. It’s during this marriage that we accept conflict. And we even welcome conflict by utilizing it for further discovery and growth.
The very same differences that initially drew us together, later press us apart and still later may draw us near again. Differences first attract, then irritate, then frustrate, then illuminate and finally may unite us. Those traits that intrigue in courtship and amuse in early marriage begin to chafe in time and infuriate in the conflicts of middle marriage. But maturation begins to change their meaning and the uniqueness of the other person becomes prized, even in the very differences that were primarily irritants.
Moving from one marriage to the next one requires honesty, growth, maturation, and the long look of marriage. Vive la difference.
Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KSPD 94.5FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at [email protected].
