By Gary Moore
In our marriage relationships, one of the most difficult things we all deal with is understanding our spouse’s perspective and how complex it is. They are so different – and that’s by design. I want to share some insights from H. Norman Wright that may help us as we grapple with our unique version of this issue.
Stop for a minute and look at your spouse. There’s something about them that you may not have come to terms with. Something that you might have sensed, but not identified. You married someone from a different country.
“What are you talking about, ‘different country’? What do you mean? We were both born and raised in the United States. And so were our parents.”
It’s true, you are similar. But you were raised in different homes with different parents, siblings, and experiences and, in effect, different cultures. You may eat the same type of foods, but they were prepared differently. Your families have different customs, different rituals, different beliefs and values, and you each learned a different language. You even have a different dictionary. To have a successful marriage you’re going to have to learn about the other person’s culture. You’re going to have to develop the flexibility to be comfortable with either set of customs, and above all, to learn your partner’s language so you can speak it.
It’s important that you learn not only to speak the same language but also to make sure you mean the same thing with your words. Your experiences in life, your mindset, what you intend can give meaning to your words.
Adding to that, Dr. Wright says that when a husband and wife are communicating there is more than one message. He says there are actually six messages, and this is where many of our problems arise.
First, you have something you want to get across to the other person – what you mean. Perhaps you’ve thought about it, or you just formulate it as you open your mouth. But it may not come out the way you intended. So, the second message is what you actually say. Now, let’s turn to your spouse. The third message is what your spouse actually hears while filtering and processing the information through their perspective, which leads to the fourth message – what your spouse thinks he or she hears!
If the communication stopped here, it wouldn’t be so complicated. But the fifth message is what your spouse says about what you said. Now it’s back in your lap, because the sixth message is what you think your spouse said about what you said.
Discouraging? It can be. But it illustrates why so often communication is hard work and perspective is so important. We want the other person not only to listen but also to understand what we mean.
Now let me compound the problem. Consider this… We have three main senses: hearing, seeing, and feeling. According to Dr. Wright, these are part of our learning and communication styles. We prefer one to the other two for perceiving life, storing our experiences, making decisions, and connecting with others. How do we discover which sense we prefer? Dr. Wright says it’s our choice of words that gives it away.
You may be an auditory oriented husband or wife. You tend to depend upon spoken words for information and you use auditory words: That sounds good to me. Let’s talk about this again. I hear you clear as a bell. Tell me a little more about it. As an auditory man or woman, you want to hear about life. This is how you learn best. If you want to share feelings, the auditory spouse will best understand if you verbalize how you feel.
If you’re visually oriented, you use your eyes to perceive the world. You relate to the world around you in terms of how things look rather than how you feel. This is how you learn best. When you imagine, you visualize, and when you remember, you recall a picture. You experience life through your eyes. You use visual words such as: I see what you’re saying. That looks good to me. I’m not too clear on this right now. That sheds a new light on the problem. Do you pick up my perspective? And often you tend to withdraw and brood when upset rather than talking through the problem.
If you’re a kinesthetically oriented individual, you tend to feel your way through your experiences. Your feelings sort both what you experience inside as well as what comes at you from the outside, and these feelings determine your decisions. A kinesthetic spouse uses phrases such as these: I can’t get a handle on this. I’ve got a good feeling about this project. Can you get in touch with what I’m saying? I don’t grasp what you’re trying to do.
As a feeling or kinesthetically oriented individual you are more likely to be spontaneous than auditory or visual people. This trait can be both positive and negative. On one hand, you’re free to create spur-of-the-moment fun activities. On the other hand, you may, for no apparent logical reason, change their minds and upset the schedule of a plan-in-advance spouse.
Mutually understanding and appreciating each other’s perspectives is not automatic, and it’s real work. It has more facets than we realize. It’s a process – but stay with it. The rewards are unbelievable.
Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KSPD 94.5FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at glmoore113@gmail.com.
