By Gary Moore
Surprise. I’m reading a marriage book (“Friends, Partners, and Lovers” by Pastor Kevin A. Thompson) – and much of what I’m sharing today is from that book. “Marriage isn’t a flip of a coin; it’s a flip of the will. Unless two people are willing to submit their individual wills to that which is best for the couple, a marriage will likely fail.”
The work of marriage matters in many areas, but it is most notable in our emotions. Emotions are automatic, physiological, bodily reactions (like a racing heart from fear), while feelings are the conscious awareness, interpretation, and labeling of those emotions. In other words, our feelings are what we tell ourselves about our emotions. And couples rarely understand the extent to which they control their feelings toward their spouse. By intentionally investing in our marriage, our affection for our spouse will grow. It’s a reciprocal relationship with powerful implications: We invest toward our affections. Our affections go toward our investments.
Healthy couples leverage this reciprocal relationship to the benefit of their marriage. First, they love one another, so they naturally invest in each other. They spend time together. They study one another. They notice what is taking place in their spouse’s life. They invest because of their affections. They also invest in order to change their affections. They don’t just wait until they feel something to do something. They form the discipline of doing things so they will feel. As they invest in their spouse (even when they don’t feel like it), that investment influences their affections.
“I just don’t love him/her anymore,” says many a divorcing couple. What they fail to understand is that they have the choice of whom they love. They control their feelings. Too often they see love as a force that overpowers them rather than a choice they make.
What most often happens when love is lost is that a couple lives in an apathetic season in their relationship. They stop intentionally investing in one another and the marriage, and over time the feelings of love wane. This pattern often happens when the chaos of parenting tempts a couple away from working on their marriage.
Consider any relationship. Two people find each other interesting. Clearly it doesn’t begin as love. Maybe it’s lust or infatuation or just interest, but it’s not love. Yet they begin to spend time together. They go on dates, have conversations, and get to know each other. Over time, love grows, but it only grows because they have invested in each other. Without the dates, phone calls, and interactions, they would not have fallen in love.
In the same way we fall in love, we stay in love. We invest in each other, which causes our affections to grow. If your marriage requires anything, it requires intention. To the extent that both spouses are intentional about keeping the marriage healthy, it will thrive. Apathy will slowly erode a marriage, but intention will cause it to continually grow.
In marriage, we work in two specific ways – both in and on. In the business world, for a business to grow, a leader must spend some time thinking about the big picture of how the company is operating. Too often a small business owner is so busy with the day-to-day operation of the business that they cannot do the necessary work to help it grow.
The same is true for marriage. For marriage to succeed, each spouse must be working in it. Money has to be made. Kids have to be raised. Bills have to be paid.
But do not confuse “working” with “having a job”. “Working” is someone expending mental, physical, and emotional energy to keep the family running. A lot of people have jobs but aren’t working in their marriage. Marriage takes so much effort from a day-to-day perspective that it is easy for a couple never to take time to consider the big picture. They get so busy that they cannot see past today to determine if they like the direction their marriage is headed. This is a recipe for disaster. A couple must take time to work on their marriage.
Finding the time can feel impossible. Yet if a couple will intentionally set aside specific times to work on their marriage, they will be better able to work in their marriage.
Working on the relationship is an important part of having a healthy marriage. Without intentional time to reflect, discuss, and plan how they will work in a marriage, a couple is left hoping things work out in a positive way rather than determining how they will make things work.
When you do work on your marriage, you’ll find that it recreates a sense of partnership and togetherness. It makes each spouse feel heard and respected. It allows a couple to renegotiate responsibilities and expectations. It provides a break from day-to-day demands. It gives perspective and time to consider new possibilities. It reminds the couple the world continues to go on even when they take time off. It creates opportunities for growth and encouragement. It reveals strengths to appreciate and weaknesses to improve within the relationship.
Work in and on your marriage. Dare to invest. You’ll reap the rewards.
Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KSPD 94.5FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at glmoore113@gmail.com.
