By Gary Moore
Best-selling author and relationship consultant, Barbara De Angelis, has said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
We all have a goal for our marriage. We want our love to last a lifetime. For us to have a chance of reaching that goal, we must learn what real love truly is and how it works. So, what is love really? How can we know our love is real and not based on an emotional feeling? How much do our feelings really have to do with it?
We’ve all heard that opposites attract, but there is no promise that opposites will always get along. That takes something more than just attraction and “falling in love.” Even when the differences are minor, you can allow a wedge to be driven between your spouse and yourself if you don’t understand the type of love required to overcome them.
Without some form of context, it’s very hard for we English-speaking people to answer the question: what is love? I say I love my Yorkie, Cooper. I love the BSU Broncos. I love ice cream. I love my daughters, grandkids, and great grandkids. I love my wife, Nancy. In English, it’s all the same word but with many different meanings.
The Greeks of Jesus’ day didn’t have that problem. They used different words for love. The word eros was commonly used in the Greek-speaking world of New Testament times to refer to romantic, physical, and sensual love. It is the “falling in love” kind of love that we talk about today. It represents the sexual side of love. Essentially, the basis of eros is self-seeking – self-satisfying – and sees the other more as an object to be won and conquered than as an individual to be cherished and honored.
Interestingly enough, the word eros itself is not found in the pages of the New Testament. The concept of physical love, however – expressed in the context of marriage – is found and affirmed in the New Testament (see 1 Corinthians 7:5; Hebrews 13:4).
Phileo means warm affection or friendship. Phileo was commonly used with reference to friendships or family relationships. For example, it was used in Matthew 10:37 to indicate love for father and mother or son and daughter. Phileo was the word used of Jesus’ love for His friend Lazarus (John 11:3,36) and His love for His disciple (John 20:2).
Phileo is more emotional than it is physical. It is the familiar, comforting love of friends and family. We must intentionally and continually develop a deep friendship with our spouse. In successful marriages, husbands and wives are as good as friends as they are lovers. It is not enough for us to love our spouses – we must also like them. We must enjoy one another’s company, doing things together, sharing interests, and pursuing common goals.
Although this is more of a mutual love than eros, it is also conditional. If you meet my needs, I’ll meet your needs. When you stop meeting my needs, I’ll stop meeting your needs. The relationship is often easily broken because it can be based more on what two people have in common than a commitment to stick with each other through times of differences and animosity.
Agape is the sacrificial, unconditional love of God. In the New Testament, agape is the highest form of love. But outside of the New Testament, the word was rarely used. Prior to New Testament times, agape did not carry any special significance as a higher kind of love. Thus, it’s the New Testament understanding of the unique nature of God’s love – not the word’s usage in the Greek-speaking world of the first century – that gives the word agape its special meaning.
Agape love is the very glue that keeps marriages together. It is selfless, unconditional, and supernatural. This is the self-sacrificing love we find exemplified by Jesus. And that’s also why it is the most challenging for most of us to exercise. God calls us to always employ this kind of love, especially with those to whom we are the closest.
Agape love is not something you feel, but something you practice whether you feel like it or not. You’ve got to remind yourself daily not to get offended or insist on your own rights. You must constantly remind yourself to resist selfishness. You must learn to lay aside your self-interest for the sake of others, especially your spouse. Real love, agape love, gives without expecting anything in return.
Even though society puts an emphasis on eros, in a good marriage, all three kinds of love are often present at the same time. And, if you choose to make phileo and agape love consistent parts of your life and your marriage, you will fall in eros all over again with your spouse and continue to enjoy that aspect of your marriage for years to come.
Remember, it takes all three – but as Paul said, “the greatest of these is agape”.
Gary Moore served as associate pastor at Cloverdale Church of God for 15 years. He does couples’ coaching and leads couples’ workshops and retreats called MUM’s the Word. He has a weekly radio program – Life Point Plus – on KSPD 94.5FM at 8:45 a.m. on Fridays. His website at www.mutualunderstanding.net has video teachings and other resources for couples. He may be contacted at glmoore113@gmail.com.
